A Jewish couple have a Son who is a bit troublesome: at age five he starts in school, and pretty soon, his parents get to hear that things aren't going well. After a couple of months, they are asked to "take him out of school", since he is not setting a good example to the other Jewish children.
Things go from bad to worse: after only a month in reform school he's thrown out again, and even the state correction center can't deal with him.
Eventually, in desparation, the parents take him to the only place left: a local Catholic school. The don't hear anything concerning his performance, no reports of trouble, but their curiosity is really aroused when he comes home at the end of the semester with a report card showing three B's and the rest A's.
Things continue in the same vein, and at the end of the second semester, he's running straight A's, and by the end of the school year, his performance has been so good that he is head of the class list.
His mother taks him aside and asks: "What's going on? We send you to your own people, and they throw you out. The reform school can't deal with you, and even the state correction center wasn't enough. But now, with these Catholics, you're getting the best grades ever."
"Well momma," says the boy "I wasn't too bothered by those other places, but the first thing I see when I go into that Catholic school is a Jewish kid nailed to a cross. I know when to back down...."
Things go from bad to worse: after only a month in reform school he's thrown out again, and even the state correction center can't deal with him.
Eventually, in desparation, the parents take him to the only place left: a local Catholic school. The don't hear anything concerning his performance, no reports of trouble, but their curiosity is really aroused when he comes home at the end of the semester with a report card showing three B's and the rest A's.
Things continue in the same vein, and at the end of the second semester, he's running straight A's, and by the end of the school year, his performance has been so good that he is head of the class list.
His mother taks him aside and asks: "What's going on? We send you to your own people, and they throw you out. The reform school can't deal with you, and even the state correction center wasn't enough. But now, with these Catholics, you're getting the best grades ever."
"Well momma," says the boy "I wasn't too bothered by those other places, but the first thing I see when I go into that Catholic school is a Jewish kid nailed to a cross. I know when to back down...."
A tourist in a strange town notices that her watch is broken. She starts looking for a repair shop. After a long and frustrating search she finds herself in an area where many shop signs are in Hebrew. Finally, she notices that one of the stores has all kinds of clocks and watches ticking merrily in the window. She walks into the shop and puts her watch on the counter in front of the proprietor.
Tourist: "would you please repair this watch."
Proprietor: "Madam, I cannot repair your watch."
T: "But why not? It is an ordinary model"
P: "Madam, I do not repair watches. I am a moel, I perform circumcisions"
T (irritated): "Then why on earth do you have all these clocks in your window?"
P: "Well, and what should I have in my window?"
Tourist: "would you please repair this watch."
Proprietor: "Madam, I cannot repair your watch."
T: "But why not? It is an ordinary model"
P: "Madam, I do not repair watches. I am a moel, I perform circumcisions"
T (irritated): "Then why on earth do you have all these clocks in your window?"
P: "Well, and what should I have in my window?"
A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie but doesn't know what's available or price.
The clerk replies "we have Tennis Barbie and she's $28" Lady asks "well, anything else?" "We have an equestrian Barbie, and she's $28".
Lady asks "anything else?" "Well, we have divorced Barbie and she's $250"
The lady replies "I don't understand why divorced Barbie is so expensive.
The others were only $28. What is so special about divorced Barbie?" The clerk replied "Simple, she comes with Ken's car, his house, and all his other stuff."
The clerk replies "we have Tennis Barbie and she's $28" Lady asks "well, anything else?" "We have an equestrian Barbie, and she's $28".
Lady asks "anything else?" "Well, we have divorced Barbie and she's $250"
The lady replies "I don't understand why divorced Barbie is so expensive.
The others were only $28. What is so special about divorced Barbie?" The clerk replied "Simple, she comes with Ken's car, his house, and all his other stuff."
The Middle East Phrase Book
Kbar Khali − Kili Haftir Lotfan.
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
Khrel, Jepaheh Maneh Va Jayeii Amrikahey
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.
Tikeh Nuneh Ba Ob Khrelleh Bezorg Va Khube Boyast Ino Begeram
The water soaked breadcrumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.
Ekr Gabul Cardan Davat Parh Gush Divar
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head with my legs apart.
Maternier Ghermez Ahlieh Ghorban
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
Howmaeh Fekr Tamomeh Oeh Gorteh Bande
I agree with everything you have ever said and thought in your whole life.
Balli, Balli, Balli
Whatever you say.
Auto Arraregh Davateman Mano Sephaheh − Hasti
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
Cashal − Eh Fashal − Eh Tupheman Na Degat Man Goftam Cheeshayeh Mohemarir Behmeshvarehma.
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
Kbar Khali − Kili Haftir Lotfan.
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
Khrel, Jepaheh Maneh Va Jayeii Amrikahey
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.
Tikeh Nuneh Ba Ob Khrelleh Bezorg Va Khube Boyast Ino Begeram
The water soaked breadcrumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.
Ekr Gabul Cardan Davat Parh Gush Divar
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head with my legs apart.
Maternier Ghermez Ahlieh Ghorban
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
Howmaeh Fekr Tamomeh Oeh Gorteh Bande
I agree with everything you have ever said and thought in your whole life.
Balli, Balli, Balli
Whatever you say.
Auto Arraregh Davateman Mano Sephaheh − Hasti
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
Cashal − Eh Fashal − Eh Tupheman Na Degat Man Goftam Cheeshayeh Mohemarir Behmeshvarehma.
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"
The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.
He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."
The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.
He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."